God Blessed The Broken Road That Led Me Straight To You

My first year of high school I told people I wasn’t going to wear makeup until my wedding day because I wanted to look as beautiful as humanly possible for my husband.

Then I met a boy. 

He was charming. He was cute. He was funny. I spent everyday thinking about him and desiring his attention. I was on cloud nine when he asked me to be his girlfriend on my 15th birthday. This was my first boyfriend and I was ecstatic because all the popular girls had boyfriends and now I was dating one of the popular guys.

You can imagine the heartbreak I felt after eight weeks when he broke up with me over the phone while I was halfway across the country, telling me that he no longer “liked” me. I spent the next three years of my high school career longing for this boy back.

At this time, I was still a Christian. I went to church every Sunday with my family and cracked open my Bible about once a month. It was more of a Sunday Christian type faith and nothing like the relationship that my church spoke of.

By my junior year in high school I knew that a few of my friends were having sex. But I was very particular even about my first kiss. Some guys would call me prude and some of my friends would ask me why I hadn’t kissed anyone yet and I’d always tell them how I wanted it to be absolutely perfect and that I could wait a couple more years if it meant I got that perfect Ross and Rachel, Luke and Lorelei, Noah and Allie type kiss. I wanted it to feel so special. So I never kissed anyone or did anything for all of high school. No one was worthy enough in my eyes.

When I was a freshman in college, I was getting pretty desperate in terms of my love life. It had been four years since I had a boyfriend and I was seventeen and still without my first kiss. A friend of mine had told me she got this app “Tinder” and that I should “totally try it.” So I did. I went on some dates with a few different guys hoping to find someone worthy enough to be intimate with and to make me feel something. Finally, I met a guy. He checked off a few things on my list. He had a great sense of humor. He was athletic, and even more, a football player. He was a charming country boy in a flannel driving a beautiful Ford F350. I felt like such a princess riding in that shotgun seat. I finally got that kiss I waited seventeen years for. It didn’t feel at all like it looked on Hollywood, but I felt pretty satisfied and definitely craved more of it.  

I dated this guy for a few months and gradually started skipping church when I’d spend the night at his house on Saturdays. I wanted to spend every waking and sleeping moment with him. I was infatuated with him. When I found out he wasn’t a virgin, I was a little upset but I tried to justify it and wrap my mind around how I could live with that. I didn’t even think twice about some of the intimate things we’d do because Jesus wasn’t even on my radar at this point. I finally had a boy that would be intimate with me and make me feel worthy. In the back of my mind I knew that I had one more little thing on my list of things I wanted in a guy.

However, the fact that he wasn’t a Christian or interested in Church at all was more of a stepping-stone than a gigantic mountain in the scheme of things.

When a girl messaged me, nine months into my relationship with him, saying that she was dating him, and that she had been for the last three months; I thought she was nuts. I remember telling her how that was absolutely, most certainly not possible. The next two weeks was the biggest emotional rollercoaster I had ever gotten on. I believed every desperate plea and every excuse given to me for the countless text messages between them and the videos I watched of my boyfriend and this other girl in bed together. He gave me every excuse and lie in the book. Not to mention, his story was altered every day. But nonetheless, I continued to believe him. He had to be telling me the truth because if he wasn’t, then that meant the last nine months of my life had been a complete and utter lie.

When I finally accepted the facts, I felt defeated. I remember spending days in bed, not knowing the purpose of getting out. It felt impossible to let go of everything I thought was real. I now knew the literal feeling of a broken heart. It felt like everything inside me was on fire. I was angry. I was confused. I was miserable.

In an effort to numb the pain I felt from being so emotionally damaged, I just about immediately started dating someone else. He quickly became my best friend and we went everywhere and did everything together. After a couple months of dating, I moved in with him. I was in the midst of a horrible family situation at home and being away from that chaos helped. It helped me avoid the issues and to be preoccupied. This guy was what most girls dream of. He cared about me more than anyone ever had. He was constantly watching out for me and taking care of my every need. I was overwhelmed with how much this guy cared for me and I didn’t feel like I deserved one ounce of it. I was at odds with why I had this amazing man in my life who loved me so deeply, but that wasn’t a Godly man. We did things we weren't proud of.

On Sundays we went to church together and I worked on helping him meet Jesus and we read our Bibles together every once in a while. I knew God would not approve of some of the other things we did. He made me feel so loved and so cherished. The further we went, the more it felt okay. We never did set physical boundaries and so there were no lines to be crossed in the first place. 

This time of my life was an immense internal battle. 

I truly did want to give God my whole heart, but I was torn because He wanted a say in my relationship and that bothered me. My relationship was one thing I had control of in my life and I just couldn’t let that go. It broke my heart to even contemplate the idea of hurting someone I cared so much about and who loved me so much. I had introduced the Gospel to him and I wanted to stay to see what happened.

I could see the need in his soul for a Savior and I essentially wanted to be that savior.

Even though this guy made me extremely happy in so many ways, I continuously felt this void and this longing for something deeper. The kind of love we had between us was a Phileo type of love. It was a love that was high on emotions and based off satisfying the other person. My love for him was based off how well he loved me. I loved the feelings I got when I was with him.

His love for me was a Phileo type love mixed with Eros love. This is love that is catalyzed by lust. He also had a Storge type love for me, which was based off obligation. He cared for me almost out of the idea “you’re my girlfriend so this is what I do.” This love was wonderful but it did not satisfy what my soul was craving.

The central thing that concerned me the most throughout our relationship was that he did not love God more than he loved me. He would jump to the ends of the Earth for me and maybe even take a bullet for me. But he would not do the same for the Gospel.

And my heart beats for the Gospel. It beats to see Jesus moving in my life and to see Jesus radically changing hearts.

My soul longed for a love that was unconditional and sacrificial; a love where I didn’t have to fear separation, where I didn’t have to worry or think about someone or something coming between my relationship. I wanted a love where I would be forgiven every time I messed up. Perhaps it makes me appear lazy, but I wanted a love where I didn’t have to do anything to earn it. I wanted a love that encouraged me to be the best possible daughter of God. I craved a relationship that was not capable of being understood by the rest of the world because it was just THAT good and that unconventional.

I needed Agape love.

The only place that I found this kind of relationship and love was with Jesus Christ. And I found it all, and more, in Him. And because of that, I could no longer tie myself up in a side relationship that was taking away from the relationship with Jesus that was fulfilling me the most.

After two years in that relationship, I finally gave my whole heart to the Lord and laid the relationship down at His feet. What I thought would be impossible to give up (physical intimacy with a man and a person who loved me so much) actually gave me more freedom than I have ever experienced in my life.

I allow more time for God to pour into me and in turn, I am able to overflow this pure joy onto other people. My thoughts are now consumed with Kingdom work. The Holy Spirit now guides my actions and He has been moving in my life in mighty ways ever since I gave Him space to do so.

I can now do what I was created to do. And that is to be in a relationship with my Creator. To accept that I am completely and entirely covered in a veil of love that depends solely on my decision to accept it.

It was so painful to let go of what I thought was best for me and what I thought would satisfy my desires. But I allowed Jesus the room to love me the way that He had been longing to do all along and I have never felt so entirely cared for and loved upon.

Jesus loves me unconditionally and so perfectly. 

There is no physical act of intimacy with a man that could ever fulfill me more than the magnitude of love that is poured over me each and every morning. 

There is no sexual act that is worth pushing my sweet Jesus away. 

There is no man worthy of taking away from my beautiful relationship that I have with my Creator.

All my love,


  1. Heather, this is absolutely beautiful. How hard it must have been to be so honest with your story, but it's so powerful. I can relate to you in many ways. Thank you for writing this.

  2. Anna, Aw thank you so much for these kind words!! It warms my heart and it encourages me so much to know that you were able to relate with it!