Jesus Has My Whole Heart - A Guest Post



This past spring one of my friends asked me why I choose to give Jesus my whole heart. She asked "what’s so good about Jesus" to me personally? She asked why I choose to follow and listen to His commands, instead of partying and pursuing guys. She asked this question out of pure curiosity, not to challenge me or shame me. She didn’t know how it pierced into my heart like an arrow and got me questioning everything I believed in.


On the outside, it looked like Jesus had my whole heart. I was trying to bring more people to know Him, I was holding a Bible study in my room, and really did have a genuine desire to bring others His good news like never before. But, when my friend asked me that question, I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t know why I was trying to bring them Jesus because I didn’t know what having a close relationship with Him was doing for me in my life. I looked back at my life so far and it didn’t seem like God had followed through with any of His promises I read about in the Bible. Where was the joy, peace, and confidence I was supposed to have? Where was this freedom and satisfaction that only He could provide? Where were the answers I knew I should have been able to give her?

I started asking close friends who were also strong in their faith, what having a relationship with Jesus did for them. I researched all God’s promises in the Bible. My heart was thirsty for an answer to this question and it longed to be quenched with something that was simply enough for my heart so I could genuinely tell my friend why Jesus was worth giving my everything to. And the honest truth is that I searched and searched and found nothing that my heart was able to say “that’s it!” to.


I ended up believing that God’s promises were good and that some people are able to live with them as truth, but they clearly didn’t apply to me. I’d been a Christian most of my life and yet I still struggled with depression, anxiety, and a hatred for what I looked like. I went into the summer with the mindset that if God couldn’t give me the best possible life, then I’d do everything in my power to make sure that I’d achieve success, accomplishments, and the ability to love myself. And so I fell into my old high school patterns of chasing after becoming skinny and assuring myself that then, and only then, would I be truly satisfied because people would like me more. I’d be strong, I’d attain success, and I’d earn accomplishments. I convinced myself that being skinny would give me the best possible life. But the reality is that as I chased after skinny, the only thing I got was skinny. I was obsessed with what people thought of me, what I was eating, and how many calories I could burn.

As I attained my goals and reached what I thought was going to fulfill me, the farther away I got from satisfaction and the farther away I got from freedom, and joy. I strived to become something that only left me emptier and with a need to strive even more, because no matter how much weight I lost, or what I looked like, it was never enough. My identity was based off what I looked like and it didn’t matter how many compliments I got. I was always scared of losing it. I was in constant fear of what the world would tell me, take away from me, or throw at me because I was in complete dependence of that.


With about three weeks of the summer left, I talked with a friend on the phone and I explained where my faith was at, and what I had been doing for the past few months. I told him that it felt as if there was a battle going on inside of me between who I was currently chasing after, and who I knew God was calling me to be. I felt like my life was in a constant clash between the promises of God and what I actually believed about Him. My friend told me this was the Holy Spirit convicting me to come back to Jesus. He challenged me to listen to that conviction, to try intimacy with God one more time. Chasing after skinny didn’t satisfy like I planned it to, so I thought why not? I’m naturally an all or nothing person, but I didn’t plan to completely give up my extreme calorie restricting. I settled to just give more of my time to Jesus. One thing I quickly learned however, is that Jesus doesn’t like competition over your heart, at least not when He knows how desperately you need Him to be your everything. As I started with just a few seconds of prayer a day, it soon turned into minutes, and then hours that I craved to spend in closeness with my creator.


What started as just a three week “intimacy” challenge still hasn’t ended, and I don’t think it ever will. I first had to learn what a completely surrendered heart looks like, because one of the main reasons I couldn’t answer the question that started all of this was because Jesus didn’t actually have my whole heart. I would expect him to rescue me from times of trouble without actually allowing him to help me. I blamed him for everything that had happened in my life, and therefore lost trust in the truth that He is always good to me. He didn’t have all my heart because I was still holding onto the possibility that maybe earthly accomplishments could offer me more than He could. I learned the hard way, that even when you look your best on the outside, earthly accomplishments leave you empty on the inside, and therefore the pleasure from your achievements means nothing.


Intimacy with Jesus offers me a stable and secure identity in a good God, the one that chose me, and called me His. It gives me freedom to be the real me, freedom to stop striving to become something and to just be accepted by His love. It gives me freedom from the fear of what the world may take away from me because He is my everything and my worth doesn’t come from what people think about me but what He has declared over me.


It became personal. It became a reality that God’s promises are better than anything the world could offer and when I give Him my everything, I get His everything, and that’s more than eternal life. That’s a fulfilled life here in the now and that’s a genuine peace and joy that I’ve only ever experienced in these past two months.


I would be lying if I said that the depression, anxiety and body image issues went away instantly. It is still a battle everyday to fight against the voices that say “you’re not good enough” and fall into the lies of depression. But the difference is that I no longer fight this by myself. I rely on Gods truths to replace the lies that try to defeat me, and I am constantly reminded that I have a victorious God. It’s a freedom to know that I’m enough because of His grace.


And that wonderful truth is enough for my heart to finally say “that’s it!”



3 comments

  1. This is SO good! I really love this.

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    1. Thanks Morgan! I agree, it's amazing how He can totally transform our mindsets!

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